Based on an article written by Journalist and Author Dave Barry of the Miami Herald
SERIOUS: Colon cancer is a disease in which malignant cells form in the tissues of the colon. According to WEBMD, a colonoscopy is a test that allows your doctor to look at the inner lining of your large intestine for ulcers, polyps, tumors, and areas of inflammation or bleeding. During a colonoscopy, tissue samples are collected and abnormal growths are taken out to have a screening test to check for cancer.
NOT QUITE SO SERIOUS: You go in for your annual checkup avoiding any statements that may reveal any “discomfort” or age-related maladies. Of course, your doctor is not fooled – he has your chart. In fact, he has a giant red pulsating flashing light somewhere on your digital health record. It is time, it is way past time, it is YOUR time.
Your doc graciously offers to set up the appointment with the another doc who seems to know how to handle a 48″-72″ flexible tube. With numerous delays and postponements, you finally meet with this fancy, schmancy gut doctor. You are clenched with fear. Relax, nothing happens. He’s nice, he asks questions. You fumble through your answers, he doesn’t seem to hear you. He tells you thinkg you don’t hear, gives your paperwork to read later, and the next thing you know you are scheduling “the procedure”. You leave with a prescription and conveniently forget to stop at the pharmacy.
At some point you finally fill the prescription. CAUTION: When you drop off the prescription, buy a medium size jar of old-fashioned Vaseline and the softest toilet paper available at any price. You will take home the filled prescription- put it with the Vaseline – and then you will hide it from yourself. Eventually you will read the MoviPrep instructions because you are curious; with disgust you stop reading and put it all away. You do read the instructions the doc gave you. Obviously, you will absolutely, positively have to read and understand everything at least a week before the actual procedure.
My personal RX for MoviPrep: Do not believe how “mild” it is. Do not believe that you can wait to start this at 5 pm or you will still be on the toilet in agony at 3 AM. Three days before the professional “cleanse”, I eliminated all acidic food from my diet and reduced the quantity as well. What does in must go out. Then on the day of the professional cleanse, make no other plans, stay home, have no visitors. Take a nice soothing shower, put on a nightgown or a toga for the guys- something easy to yank up or off – I am not kidding. Put a soft towel in your most comfy chair, have lots of TV to watch. Take your first dose at noon. At first it won’t seem too bad, don’t be fooled. After your first “elimination” and EVERY ONE after that, gently clean yourself by blotting (don’t wipe) as much as possible. Apply a thin layer of Vaseline to the “affected area”. You will thank me later. Follow the directions on the prep package except start it earlier.
As told by Dave Barry: MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. “I don’t want to be too graphic here, but: have you ever seen a space shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seal belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.”
Once the whole MoviPrep thing is over, everything else is a walk in the park. You show up at the appointed place, you check in, you are bleary-eyed but otherwise fine. The med-techs flap around you taking infor and putting in an IV. They make you comfortable. I always apologize in advance for any misdeeds which might occur while I’m out. Then you turn on your left side, which is not impossible to do, and they give you the usual happy juice. Lights out. Sleeping like a baby. Almost immediately someone is saying your name annoying your blissful sleep. You open one eye to a smiling doc who is proud of his work, he mumbles something you can’t understand but everyone is smiling so it’s all good. Now you’re a “survivor” and get to tell all your friends about the Vaseline 🙂